So Hillary’s still in it…

And my only question is “Why?” Don’t get me wrong, I was an initial supporter but PLEASE, know when to fold ‘em woman. What’s wrong with you? The reality is that it is nearing mathematically impossible for the wicked witch of the white house to win at this point and she is ultimately driving the party into a tail-spin before the actual race ever begins.

So what if she sacrificed babies to get to this point in the race. She’s not going to get the nomination unless she pulls some “W”-style miracle out of her ass. Team up with the good guys and bow out gracefully, rather than bark and persist like one of those yippie little lap-dogs that think it can kick the pit bull’s ass.

Hilly, it’s been a good run. Save face and the agony of defeat and have a seat. I was embarrassed for you last night when you were accepting the win while the captions read that it was too close to call. Bill even felt it a little for you.

Your blog makes my face hurt

Alright, I admit it. I’m a design snob. Further, I am a content snob. If you can’t write or design well, I won’t get past the second line before I’m on to bigger and better written things. Every day I’m inundated with Joe Shmoe’s latest attempt at interest building and I gotta tell ya… I’m not impressed with the bulk. I’ve decided to lay out a few guidelines for effective web presence. Here goes, try to keep up. Take notes if necessary.

1. Know thy purpose before thoust begin. – This is the step most commonly overlooked in modern web 2.0 capacities. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you even have anything worth writing about. Get a purpose… (I can’t believe I’m about to say this next part) THAT OTHERS MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN… and stay focused. The more you stay on task, the better the overall product will be.


2. Know thy audience – Build your design and your content to suit those you wish to reach, motivate, entertain, or otherwise engage. Good design is easy to digest and pleasing to the audience to which it is directed. If you can’t get it together in a way that doesn’t make you uncomfortable when you look at it, hire a professional.


3. Think thrice, Write once – You’ve heard the carpenters’ mantra of measure twice, cut once? It basically means make sure you know what you’re doing before you do irreparable harm. This goes the same for would-be bloggers and web start-ups. The only difference is that undisciplined carpenters can always get another piece of wood. Reputations aren’t that easy to mend. Think through what you’re posting as well as at whom you are throwing your ideas. Think it though very slowly…. Keep thinking… Still worth it? Now write.


4. Know thy design principles – Not even all of them, just the basics. Know what balance is, put it to use, and for heaven’s sake leave the Microsoft products at the door when putting your design together. Learn about proper color usage and put it to use. Green and pink rarely work together… kind of like red and purple. Just because they’re your favorite colors doesn’t mean they should share the same real estate.

So there you have it, a few little commandments from an ad guy to you. Maybe now people will stop wasting perfectly good blogspot URL’s on the garbage I’ve been seeing.

It’ll change your life.

So on good advise I found myself at the local Wal-Mart last night buying MarioKart for Wii. I’m not going to say it was good but let’s just say that my cable subscription is now just for show. This game is intense without being overbearing. I’m not exactly the video game wiz but I fell right into this one in the 50cc class and started winning fairly early.

Initially I thought the game might be a little easy. This thought was quickly remedied by the 100cc and 150cc classes, all of which led me to the most remarkable part of the game. Online Play! This is great. You can pick whether you want to race against the world, your region, or your friends. It’s interesting and surprisingly quick connecting.

I’m sold. Now all I have to do is find time for sleep before taking on the masses again in my little MarioKart. Total blast. Get It.

Easing off the Acid

Man that phrase means something different now that I’m getting older but here’s the deal. I carry my stress in my stomach. A hereditary gift from my mother and this leads to severe acid reflux, constant heartburn and a bottle a week Tums habit. In recent months this was alleviated by those little purple pills (not blue ladies… oh yeah… you know) but now those have started to lose their take. Now I’m back to choosing my food and drink rather carefully.
This morning I woke up hurting for orange juice. Not exactly the stomach ailer’s favorite drink but we do have options. Now they have this great little invention called “Low Acid” OJ. That Minute Maid… I am her biotch. Here’s the down side though. You can’t find low acid OJ with pulp. WTF? Does all the acid reside in the pulp? I’m not pleased.
I’ve always enjoyed chewing my orange juice. My stomach problems ended all that and now the Minute Maid is teasing me with her low acidity goodness only to take out the best thing that’s hit orange juice since champagne… my pulp.
I’m going to have to write a letter.

Dinner for 2

I’ve thought for a while
On this story for you
A literary image
Of a dinner for 2

The story is set
In modest domains
With cupboards stacked tall
With food made from grains

The chairs they are sturdy
And cushioned and soft
From years of devotion
To sitcoms and sloth

The TV tray serves
As the vessel of choice
For piling on carbs
With a diet coke, of course

With pork rinds in hand,
Gas station burrito in wait
The 2 settles in
for political debates

The stage is now set
For a big Friday night
Of fanciful daydreams
While watching moonlight

The ending is sweet
Happy endings for most
As laptops light up
To read suziq’s posts

Then off to bed
Dinner was the best yet
As a 2 and her furry friends
Pile into bed

Sweet dreams to all bodies
As 2 drifts to nigh
Her tummy stuffed full
With pork rinds and pie.

A man’s silence...

Thomas Hardy once said that “a man’s silence is wonderful to listen to.” It’s been months since my last post and my only question is “Well, is it?” Your trusty ranting ad guy has been all over the place the last few weeks and the list of rants I’ve built up are far-and-away, to much content for any one post. I’ll try to split them up into several over the next few weeks… in no particular order. Today we will touch on the subject of white trash.

Ok, not everyone has the capacity for or the desire to maintain general public presence. I’ll give you that. Those with severe head injuries, genetic disorders, and combat injuries please disregard. This rant is for all those out there that, for lack of more consideration, refuse to carry themselves in a manor fitting the surroundings in which they find themselves. I’m not saying you should fall in line with the rest of the sheep. I’m saying Wear Shoes to Work. Don’t pick fights if you are a Felon, and keep your Backwards Country Ass in Centerton if you don’t feel it necessary to wear a shirt in the Wal-Mart parking lot… when it’s 41 degrees.

Here’s a Reader’s Digest explanation of the afore-mentioned disgraces.

“Shoeless” works for a multi-billion dollar company and wonders the floor in glorified sweat pants and no shoes, and then broadcasts that they “just can’t stand shoes.” Get over it. Stop devaluing the careers of others by thinking this is suitable behavior.

“Felon” thinks that he can threaten at random and get away with it. Grownups don’t get into fist fights. What he doesn’t realize is that there are PLENTY of fights in prison so I guess if that’s what he wants, he’s on the right track. I’ll call you a black-and-white taxi to your holding cell.

“Country Ass” I think is pretty self explanatory. I’d almost understand if it were hot outside... almost. IT WAS 41 DEGREES! FAHRENHEIT! WTF.

Stay tuned. Next week I think I’ll tackle obsessed shitty television fanatics.